marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
