The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
