Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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