oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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