During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
