my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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