I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
