youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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