It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
