I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
