i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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