so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
