Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
