Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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