There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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