I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
