Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
