I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
