I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
