the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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