3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
