Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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