I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
