he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
