you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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