I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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