the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize