i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
