Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
