did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
