I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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