Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
