I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
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