On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
