Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
