i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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