I cannot find my penis.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
