Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
