i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
COCAINE IS GR8
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize