I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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