i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize