i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
