i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
