nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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