the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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