Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize