Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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