did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
