you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
