Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
