One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize