Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
