8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
why do cheetos always look like penises
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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