Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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