Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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