Kiss
Puke
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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