somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize