the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
