She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
there is glitter all over my balls
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