are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
