Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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