It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
