Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
