Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
