And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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