i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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