3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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