2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize