I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
